Saturday, January 8, 2011

Without Armour

At some point I realized why I allowed myself to put on so much weight.  I didn't merely allow myself to put it on; I put it there on purpose.  It's the ol' get fat so no one can get close to you trick.

I don't want to go too deeply into my past right now, but I'll say this:  I've loved and lost a few times.  I used to believe fully in the power of love, so I've fought for it more than once.  I was left broken, bruised and bloodied each time.  After my last serious relationship ended four years ago I just knew I couldn't survive another blow.  And so I began to put on my armour of fat.

Gradually I grew to be content with being on my own.  Physically, I didn't like the way I felt, but emotionally I was content.  No man, no cry.  I wasn't ready to shed the fat that was protecting me.

A few months ago an old high school crush reappeared in my life.  He reminded me how it felt to be held, and then he reminded me how it felt to hurt.  My armour failed me.  It didn't protect me at all.  I'm ready to take off this shoddy armour.  Ninety pounds by the end of the year.

It's coming off. 

1 comment:

  1. Sign me up, too. This summer we will walk the kids and the dog around the park. We can encourage each other. Regardless of your weight, I think you are beautiful inside and out. You have a wonderful sense of humour, a gentle and kind spirit but at the same time, stand firm to your convictions. I think it is so amazing that you can record your thoughts the way that you do. I think you are a wonderful mother that although has limited income and resources, ensures that you child lack for nothing. You support your child in her diverse interests and by doing so empower her and give her the confidence to be the type of person that she wants to be. A wonderful person that we all love. I love you Elaine, my sister, my friend, my opera karate man.